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I wonder if I should keep this LJ or start anew. Lots of history behind this account, but most of that history is me whining. |
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Let's see, time since last update: 32 weeks. Sure, why not, I suppose I could update again.
Where've I been? Mesa, living and doing other things such as school and work. I am actually writing from MCC's little coffee shop iMacs in between classes, while listening to some All American Rejects on my iPod and waiting for my Sidekick to light up with a message. Holy shit I've become a trendy-as-fuck college student. I suck.
Know what else sucks? Two of the classes I'm taking I originally took last semester - online. I won't say that semester served no purpose; it taught me that online classes aren't for me. I'm happy to say my math teacher this semester doesn't even give out homework; rather, he just gives out problems he suggests we practice on, and then asks us if we needed help with any of them the next day. I love it. I do not love getting up at 6am every morning to go to school five days a week, though. Next semester I will be taking a lighter load, that's for sure.
So where else have I been? Certainly nowhere out of the country or out of state, that's for sure. I check up on things on Myspace every now and again, but mostly I've been posting angry, biased rants on my new blog, Vanish! X-Zone, directly from my phone. This way if anybody asks what I do with my spare time, I can pretend I'm this tech-enthusiast uber-nerd and, with a snicker and a snort, exclaim how I UPDATE MY MOBLOG!!! I just got an email on my phone - an ad from Pizza Hut about their new Large Lover's deal or some gay thing like that.
I haven't been doing much on the social scene. I live with Matthew still, so I'm not entirely lonely, although I guess it does sort of suck when even when I'm at home, he's usually talking to people on Ventrilo in his room while raiding Black Temple in WoW. Then Josh comes over and says "I think I'm gonna focus on my Paladin" and takes over the laptop for two day stretches. As for my other friends, well, they do their own thing now, without inviting me (this includes my own sister.) I guess I do feel sort of lonely. Nonetheless, I think the solitude will do me some good, give me some time for self-reflection or whatever. Doesn't mean I can't feel annoyed by it.
On the gaming scene, I play WoW and Hellgate London whenever I have time, or I dick around on Halo 3 or Forza 2 on my new Xbox 360. This week I've been far too busy to do any of that shit, though. I also purchased a gym membership at LA Fitness down the block from where I live, which I've been making every attempt to get to as much as possible (for the most part.) I'll probably go after school today, as I won't have to be at work until about 2. I'm trying not to let any of this crap get me down; I just have to keep moving forward.
I need to restock my iPod. Time to hit up some Russian quassi-legal cheap MP3 sites, as BitTorrent is now all but a barren wasteland to me. |
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Not bright enough, of course, to earn me any money.
You guys know how I used to post long-winded repetitive rants about how much I hate my life, or society, or girls, right? Well I still get those urges to do so, which I either swallow, write in Pocket Word on my phone, or use to transform myself into Dark Mal and treat my coworkers like shit. Or drown in a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
Well, I started thinking, "I should make a separate LJ to empty all of these thoughts; I could give it a pretty layout to make it fun to read when I want to reminisce, and either make it private, or friends-only without any friends added, in case for some awful reason I'd actually want somebody to see it."
Then I got to thinking "What's the point in even doing that if I have no intention of showing it to anybody? The only reason I'd want to do that is so some day in the future, I can show this to somebody else in a subconscious attempt at making them feel sorry for me."
Then I thought "Plus, it'd be obnoxious posting to that journal... unless, of course, I just made it a private LJ Community that I could post to from my own LJ account at my own leisure. But then I'd still be tempted to show it to people."
And then it dawned on me... Why not allow OTHER like-minded people to post in said community?? Other people who are sick and tired and pissed off about an aspect of their lives that they just want to get off their chest, on a forum for others to read and support them through, but not all over their journal so they look like they just ate a whole bushel of Emo Oranges? Somewhere where they can feel safe to bitch about the same thing over and over again without looking like a moron to others, because the ONLY others reading would be just as angsty and dejected as they are?
It would be the ultimate therapy... you know, aside from making an appointment with a therapist. It would be like a support group! Only one with stupid animated icons with very tiny blinking text, and probably fragmented lyrics from some bullshit Bright Eyes song.
But I would need some sort of rules and regulations, to avoid it turning into the "How Much You Suck" community off of GreatestJournal. Rules that I would have to follow myself, such as "Don't flame anybody, no matter how fucking lame they appear to be."
What do you guys think? Suggestions? Critique? |
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...is I'm finding a lot of really obscure bands that I like, and as a result I'm having trouble pirating them.
This means, I'm going to have to buy stuff off of iTunes from time to time, requiring a significant monetary investment.
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For those of you I haven't told about this, I recommend you visit http://www.pandora.com Immediately. I'm addicted to it already.
Special Gar is getting married this September, and he wants me and KC to be his best men. Can you even have two best men? Oh well, at least this way I can split the cost of the bachelor party with him.
Other than that, not much else is going on. I've been catching up on season 2 of House. I got my mom into it so she's way ahead of me now; she's on disc 5 while I'm still on disc 3. I love this show.
My lunch is up, and I'm tired of this faggot from Starbucks bitching about his coworker, with his pre-pubescant voice. His balls haven't even dropped yet and I gotta hear how he's going to kick some girl's ass. Tonight, I'm going to go make a Pandora station themed around "Dicks are for my friends" by MSI. |
| » Such a beautiful day. |
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I woke up this morning to the most beautiful weather ever. It was a little sunny out, with dark clouds strewn about; Post-storm weather, as it smelled of rain. As I drove to work, it grew darker and the clouds looked like a photograph of an ocean imposed over the sky. An ocean of DARK GRAY DEATH.
I had a decent time at work. What really got me going, however, was for the first time, I forced myself to go work out. I was seriously laying on the bed, falling asleep, refusing to do anything else, when I asked myself "Remember how good it felt coming home from the gym knowing you accomplished something?" and at that, I got up and left.
Unfortunately I'm writing this while waiting in a Taco Bell drive-thru, but I've been really good lately. I deserve a crappy dinner.
Apr. 21st, 2007 @ 08:30 pm
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| » A gift from God! |
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Something wonderful has happened today!
I was in a bad mood, a little annoyed that I wasn't going to doing front-end next week like I was told I would be. So I'm walking around getting ready to clock in, and my boss says "Josh when you clock in, come see me in my office. I have something to give you." Uh oh. Kevin, my other boss, who probably could read the fear on my face, said "It's nothing bad, don't worry."
I go up there, and turns out, apparently there was this division-wide employee appreciation drawing, for some Safeway gift cards - and my name was drawn! Greg or Kevin didn't know how much I won, and just guessed it'd be $50 a card or something, if that.
I went to a register to check the balances of each card.
$500.
On each of them.
Hooooooooooooooooooly shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt.
Imagine how many Best Buy gift cards I can buy with that!
So that leads me to my next question: If you had $1000 to spend at Best Buy, what stuff would YOU get??
Apr. 20th, 2007 @ 09:13 pm
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| » Feel the burn |
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I realized something kind of obvious last night; I believe it was somewhere between Josh playing Alpha Male again with two chicks, and Josh recommending I get a dick in my ass when I tell him I haven't been laid in almost a year. That realization is that I am the Fat Friend of my group.
I'm serious. The attention of females is passed over me for my more attractive friends. If I actually break out of my shell and be friendly with a girl, I get generic politeness back. If I try to flirt or make an off-color remark that would have gotten a blush and giggle if it was from anybody else, I get the cold shoulder. I am not anybody's cup of tea in my current form, and that will not get me laid. And if I can't attract a woman for sex, I certainly can't convince anybody I'm good enough for anything beyond Just Friends (lol i wont call) status.
It's not personality, either. I can be entertaining as hell and the guy near me who doesn't have a lot to say but has nice pecs will still out-trump me. Even if he specifically does not try. It's the body!
Seeing as how I'm focusing more on self-help in my current entries, rather than moping, I am going to be positive about this. For one thing, I'm not that far off from transforming from Mal the Meaty to Count Fuxalot. I really don't eat as horribly as I used to. Sure, I screw off here and there, but I have not just been glomming out like I have in the past. I actually TRY to avoid junkfood sometimes! And sometimes I succeed!
Working out also isn't that hard on me anymore; I just have to break out of the cycle of laziness I fell back into this past month. I supposedly only need 30 minutes of cardio, which I have managed to surpass plenty of times before, and the weight training portion is just fun in a painful, constructive way.
In perspective, all I have to do is exercise a little more discipline - just a little more - and I will make progress. I can do this!
Apr. 20th, 2007 @ 04:46 pm
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| » Even the trees walked in that movie. |
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Tonight marks my first ever LJ post made directly from my phone, unless I made one months ago in which case this would probably be my second but I'm just too lazy to look.
Things are looking up for me, even if in small ways. I'm 25 now, as of Monday the 16th, which means I get to share my glory with the dorkiest serial killer ever. Seriously, if anything could discourage people from shooting classmates, it's seeing a video of some Korean with an english major and a 9th grade writing level sounding like he's trying to do a bad Schwartzeneggar impression while he reads off his manifesto so quickly you'd think he really had to go to the bathroom. and what's with all the different scenes? Did he have to make absolutely sure he said everything he had to say? Because he forgot one thing: his reason for doing it. Dipshit.
Speaking of dipshits, I'm already tired of seeing the "news" interview family members of the victims. It's always the same thing; SHE WAS A WONDERFUL, CARING, FUN-LOVING PERSON WHO LIVED LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND WAS KIND TO EVERYBODY. I feel like I'm reading a match.com profile in past tense. Is God playing some sick joke on us, where only the super-wonderful Nobel nominees get offed? Or is it that nobody can think of anything personal to say about the deceased in this time of grieving? Just once I'd like to hear "To be honest, my sister was a real skank. She fucked the football team, broke dudes' hearts, and cut school to go snort coke off the underside of her boyfriend's long uncut cock. Sadly, the day before the shooting she decided to swear off drugs altogether. I only wish she had waited a couple days to go clean."
In other news, I've become somewhat more positive. Somewhat. I'm working on liking myself more, and I'm also learning how to enjoy myself in public, instead of moping.
I also like sushi, although I'd never go as far as to say I'm "addicted" to it, like every other otaku-wannabe anime-rimjobbing fuckface out there. I'm also learning how to be more accepting of other people, and more open-minded to other walks of life!
I'm earning more respect at work. Next Wednesday they will be putting me in charge of the front end, and there is talk about training me for office, as well. I'm also a little more conscious of my diet. a little. once this birthday cake is gone, I'm totally paying more attention to it.
Apr. 19th, 2007 @ 08:41 pm
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| » Can you hear me? |
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Ever have one of those days (or a few of them in a row) where you just want to scream in frustration? I'm feeling like that.
Ah, what's the point. I don't have anything really interesting to write on here. It's all the same regurgitated depression over and over. In fact, I don't even know why I'm continuing to write this this second. Maybe it's just to remind everybody that I'm still alive and because I feel guilty that I've been neglecting LJ. But realy, I just write the same thing over and over. I've been doing it for years.
Despite how frustrated I'm feeling, lots of things are becoming more apparent to me. I may not be making much progress right now (although I'm not longer cursing myself for ruining my last relationship, thanks to somebody helping me realize it wasn't me who ruined it) but things just seem clearer than they did before. I'm seeing more evidently than I used to how much of all of this is my fault, and that the only thing stopping me is me.
I'm at the point now where I'm depressed because I'm depressed. I'm letting go of the past, and I understand I won't be salvaging any of it in my future. I look at the present, too afraid to... ooh wait, I have a great analogy for this.
For those who aren't aware, I'm afraid of heights. If I go too close to a banister overlooking a somewhat far drop (as little as being on the second floor at the mall looking over) I start to tense up and I try my best not to stay in that situation for much longer. I don't know if this is normal to those who are afraid of high places, but when I'm in a fearful situation like that, I can't look up. My neck sits straight, my sholders become rigid, and if I start to look towards the sky or what have you, I tense up even more.
You see what I'm getting at? Of course you don't, because it was an obscure paragraph-long analogy that I could've just as easily skipped in favor of SAYING what I was going to say! Anyway, it's kind of a metaphor to my current state of living (as well as that of the past many years.) I'm uncomfortable and tense in my current affairs, but I'm too afraid to look beyond where I'm at because looking into the future is even scarier when seen from where I'm standing.
Okay, so the analogy sucked. But! The important thing is, I'm learning more and more about myself each day. Sometimes what I learn is the same (or very similar) to what I've learned in the past, but my mind wants to go over it again and again until it's used to it. I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to strike, and I feel it's coming up soon.
And speaking of going over the same thing again and again, any of you recall times when I've said that I need to be put on medication? Well yeah, I do, and that's another one of those things my mind is adjusting itself into accepting (since obviously I haven't done it yet.) A lot of what I've put myself through (or HAVE NOT put myself through, as case would have it) involves me containing myself within these imaginary boundaries of my design, and it feels IMPOSSIBLE to break out of! I've had myself convinced that I "can't" do something. I "can't" achieve a career in something I'd enjoy, I "can't" ever make the opposite sex find me attractive in my current physical state, I "can't" ever commit to a project and use it to gain recognition or even income. Why "can't" I? Other people can, right? So what's so special about me - what handicap do I have that prevents me from getting anything done? It's not so much that I'm being distracted by something, as I can't even commit to the video games I play or any other interest of mine. Even a recreational hobby of mine seems too hard to make any progress on. What's wrong with me?
Whatever is wrong with me, it's something that is apparently out of my control. Look at how many posts I've made like this, between here and Myspace. I have these up and down periods, the up when I post stuff like this, and the down where I just go on about how awful my life is. My life isn't that awful, it's just been pretty uneventful (you know, after the fiasco living arrangements in Fountain Hills and the cancer.) But it FEELS awful, and as much as I encourage myself, it's never enough to move myself. I've had a whole week off, and I haven't done shit. (Okay, I worked out a little!) I've been tired most of the time, and even when I have a good night's rest, I wake up feeling tired, sore and weak. There is something wrong with me and it needs to be treated. Even the thought of seeing a doctor troubles me too much to do something about it... but I can't go saying "Woah is me, I'm so worthless I can't even schedule a doctor's appointment. I guess I'll just GIVE UP on everything." People have had faith in me, in my abilities. I've been regarded as a good friend and a very entertaining person to be around. I'm not awful, the only time I'm awful is when I go through these horrible mood swings and snap at people. I can't embrace that. I won't.
Right now, I'm feeling pretty good that I've managed to take what was going to be a depressing entry and turn it into something a little more upbeat (if not still pretty tiring.) So I'm going to cut this short, and maybe crosspost it to Myspace for the faggots over there who refuse to come over here. C YA!
Mar. 17th, 2007 @ 02:42 am
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| » Have A Glass-half-empty Christmas! |
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For your reading pleasure, I have done my duty of pumping negativity into this Christmas season, in the form of reviewing nearly all of the Christmas songs I hate.
Let's get one thing straight here, first. I love Christmas music. I listen to it all the time, fall asleep to it, drive to work with it, and if I could manage to find a girl decent enough to sleep with me, I'd probably be GETTIN GETTIN GETTIN GETTIN SOME HEAD to Christmas music, too. There are just a few songs, okay a lot of songs, that drive me up the gosh-damned wall.
If any of you have any Christmas songs you don't enjoy, feel free to reply to this entry sharing them with me, and why! It'll be fun!
Merry Christmas!
( Baby, hang up the mistletoe, 'cuz I'm gonna take off all your clothes )
And that's that!
Dec. 22nd, 2006 @ 08:31 pm
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| » No I will not enter a subject. |
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Wow. So yeah, this week I learned some valuable lessons, as well as how I need to go about my life in some regards. I'm hurting, but I'm coping. I think I'll be okay. I'm much stronger than I used to be.
I talked to Casey and Abby today, for a change. It was really good rekindling relationships with my old friends. I need to keep my friends and family close. I'm also gonna do some more shopping tomorrow, and hopefully finish it. Or, well, look for a parking spot, at least.
That's it for now. I'm getting back to work on my list of Christmas songs I hate.
Dec. 21st, 2006 @ 11:38 pm
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| » ZIP-ZOP-ZOOBIDBOP!! |
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I think it's about time I come back to LJ. Myspace is a real heap (OF GARBAGE.)
Seriously, I wish more people used LiveJournal. Myspace sucks, really bad. It's a heap. Of garbage.
I'll update with more stuff later.
Dec. 19th, 2006 @ 07:52 pm
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| » I HUNGER. |
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I want some of that new sicilian lasagna pizza from Pizza Hut. It looks good.
Anyway, I drew a picture. Part of a picture.
Some background on this: I always haven't really liked Pocky that much. Ashley decided one day to buy some Pocky and make me eat some of it. Maybe I was just starving that day, but it wasn't as bad as I last remembered. I still don't think it's super-special like some of the CaucAzNs think it is, but I sort of like it now.
Anyway, I told her one day I'd buy her some after I finished working overnight, if there was any stocked. Sure enough, there was not. So instead, I drew a picture on her schedule sheet for her to see when she came in - this is a tradition we've both been doing with each other off and on now. It was a little picture of us leaning against each other, eating Pocky.
Evidently, she thought it was so cute, she decided to draw her half of it in Photoshop, and send it to me. Here it is:
Recently, I had finished my half, which I now present:
Not as good as I expected it to be. The lines are too dark, I'm not chubby enough, but at least my shading is getting a little better.
Time to get ready for work.
Sep. 20th, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
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| » ZIP-ZOP-ZOOBIDIBOP. |
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Oofle-doofles. Josh is sick, people. Less sick than yesterday, though, so that's always good.
Oh uh, before I forget. Those of you with Animal Crossing for DS (Jania and whomever else) need to hit me up with your DIGITZ so I can visit you, dig holes in your lawn, and write dirty letters to your neighbors. You had better hope Blanca isn't around when I'm there, either.
Things with Ashley are going slow, but are coming around. She contacted me the other night on AIM to let me know she got me something small from the mall. EEE-HEE that rhymed! It turned out to be a pair of scented erasers in a Badtz Maru container. She remembered that I like Badtz Maru! I had also gotten her a black Nintendo DS rubber bracelet, to go along with her collection of millions of other similar bracelets. It was free, but she still liked it.
Today, Betty found out for me that Ashley has been distancing herself from everybody lately, due to family troubles, but that she does like me. That made me feel a little more reassured... but not as much as what happened prior to that. I had gone through Ashley's line, to purchase some flowers for Betty (who had just celebrated her birthday recently.) This bagger I work with comes by and goes "WHO ARE THOSE FOR, JOSH?? YOUR GIRLFRIEND?" Just as I was about to respond, I overheard Ashley mumble something to him like "I'm ... right here." So I guess I'm her boyfriend!
Before she left tonight, she came by me (I was on break, playing DS) and poked my side, and let me know she was leaving. She asked me if I'd be online tonight. When I left work, I called her, and we talked for a good hour or so. Nothing really spectacular, just her telling me how weird I am and me mocking her in my generic falsetto.
I know I sound stupid documenting every tiny thing going on between us, but this feels good.
In other news, Claudio and I are getting along a lot better. I kind of helped him through a tough night recently, and I'm also in the process of hitching him up with Angi, whom I've known have both had a thing for each other for a long time. If you're reading this, KC, do me a favor and don't say anything about it. He's quite bashful about the whole thing - yet another sign that I know he's really into her.
Living here in Mesa is fun. I gotta get my room clean, but now that I have working internet, my own stash of food, and other creature comforts, I'm feeling rather comfortable where I'm at. Also, I shop at the Walmart nearby now and I don't give a shit what anybody thinks about it.
You stay classy, Planet Earth.
Sep. 18th, 2006 @ 11:51 pm
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| » God doesn't limp. |
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I think it's about time I start blogging my feelings again. I need a release and it's been all pent up inside these past few days. The good news is I've been feeling alright until recently, and even now I'm no longer going down without a fight like I used to whenever I'd get depressed. Prayer helps, and I'm getting a lot better at putting everything into perspective. For those whom I haven't been updating personally, here's the lowdown:
I've been working much more lately, and thanks to getting one FMC shift a week, it's been a lot more manageable. Working FMC means every Wednesday morning at midnight, I work until about 6 to 8 AM hanging up tags on the shelves. Relaxing, especially since I can listen to my iPod all night - albeit in one ear. We're remodelling the store again, however, so the other ear is dedicated to construction noises.
I worked up the courage to ask out this girl I work with. Her name's Ashley. I think things have been going well between us, although it's sometimes hard to read her owing to her being rather shy and me being rather dense. She's also having some complications at home right now which I'm sure are having an effect on her demeanor, making her even harder to read. As it stands tonight, I wonder if she's sick of me or just doesn't really like me much at all. These feelings of mine come and go, as I'm getting better at fighting off my negativity. There has been enough evidence (at least, in things she's said here and there) that would assure anybody that she's into me. I even kissed her once, although it was just a small peck on the lips. She's not the only person who gets shy. The good news is we've been taking things very slow, which I think is something I need. I believe she may need it, too.
This thing with Ashley has opened up another side in me, a side I have not seen in many years. It's a side I had unintentionally banished when going through the rough ride I put myself through the past two or three years. I'm starting to feel slight pangs of love again. I will not allow these feelings to fall to angst this time, should things turn sour in my current relationship. I have also grown to the point where I am recognizing my feelings. I am not saying I'm in love, nor am I fooling myself into falling head over heels for her, but I do care about her a lot. I am also realizing the feelings I am developing are indeed for who she is, and not just the IDEA of what she could represent. I can't come right out and say "THIS IS TEH 1" or "I M SOOO IN LUV <3<3<3<3" but I can healthily admit that I am "in like" with her. Moving slowly is helping with this; it's giving me time to analyze how I feel about her. I am a tad bit frustrated we can't go out together that often, but I understand what she's going through and I do not fault her.
I bought a Nintendo DS. I am very much "in like" with that, as well.
My heartbreak is fading. For those unaware, I have been very mortified up until a few weeks ago (and even then, I sometimes have my moments.) My relationships with Stephanie and Alyssa have both taken their toll with me, as have the memories I still have of them. Every now and then I'll hear a song or see something that triggers a memory of Wisconsin when I was visiting Alyssa, or I'll run through Orgrimmar in WoW and remember how I used to play Horde with Chris in our apartment, while Alyssa would watch TV and get mad at me for neglecting her. She certainly deposited her share of baggage on me, but I hardly think about that. What I mostly think about is the person I became when she was here... if you could even consider me a "person" during that period. It's been very hard to forgive myself for everything that has happened (even if it wasn't entirely my fault) and it still is. I am not burying it; rather, I'm slowly going over things when they emerge in my head, and trying to deal with them each time. I'm also working through my grief by trying to be a better person overall. Should things go well with Ashley, I intend on treating her the way I was meant to treat my significant other. If things take a turn for the worse and she starts to put me through emotional abuse, I will detect it much sooner and won't be so codependent this time that I'll endure it all until I blow up. I will let go if I have to, and I won't be afraid of being alone. I'll survive.
A few days ago, I moved in with my friend Matthew and his girlfriend Brandy. I am now a resident of Mesa (or at least, I will be when I'm added to the lease.) Matthew isn't charging me much for rent, and I live maybe 30 minutes away from work, as opposed to 60. Additionally, I live closer to all of my friends, making it much easier to be social. Matthew and Brandy argue quite a bit, and can get rather rude with each other, but I am not the Old Mal I used to be, and I will not let this affect my entire life. I am feeling a little uncomfortable, not because of them (I like being around them for the most part) but because I'm a little homesick. Also, because I know I'm potentially starting the next phase of my life (finally) and need to get my ass in gear. No more living paycheck to paycheck, I need to look into my future.
Despite my improvements, I may go see a shrink or somebody and possibly see if there's a drug I could be taking to help me along. I am not so broken that I must depend on medication to cope in life, but I believe it may be able to help me.
Shelby, my God-daughter, turned 2. I don't see her as often as I like, but I see her enough to learn about yet another side of me, another form of love. I never really got into the whole children thing, but now I actually feel kind of happy when she's around. Maybe I could be a parent, after all.
While I've been neglecting my dieting and physical activity lately, I have been working out more than I used to, and I should get back on that. James has also gotten me into racquetball, which I enjoy. I should play with him again soon. I look about the same as I have before, but I'm becoming less self-conscious about it. I still have to work on it, though.
Overall, I'm a cross between bummed out, and feeling good. There's good and (potential) bad in my life, and I realize it's like this for everybody. I just have to work out a decent balance.
Sep. 12th, 2006 @ 11:40 pm
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| » Victory! |
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After about a week of scratching my head, I am happy to report that Geary and I have found the obligatory bone-headed mistake I made that led to my new computer not working.
I am now the proud owner of a very powerful, custom-built light-up PC, put together by myself. Pictures will follow!
Jul. 18th, 2006 @ 03:15 am
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| » Grghrghlrhglhglrhlr |
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I know things aren't as bad as I feel like they are right now, but tonight they feel bad enough.
Again, I'm tired of bearing witness to how everybody else is progressing with the next stage of their lives and I'm stagnating over here. I hate that I had to wait until 11 PM tonight to FINALLY receive word on where I should go to meet some of my friends, because they were all busy with other aspects of their lives. I'm tired of Claudio, who I thought was a friend of mine, being a dick towards me every day at work and getting away with it, and then bragging about what a "pimp" he is and how he doesn't have to change for anybody. I'm real glad the last shitty relationship he was in has helped teach him that he can benefit in life by being an asshole, as he's now rewarded with a pretty decent relationship now. I'm also tired of living out in this pit far away from civilization, with my miserable family who thinks I need to continue living at home because apparently I haven't seen enough of them walking on eggshells for my bitchy brat of a sister. I'm tired of feeling angry and miserable, myself.
I'm also tired of how I continue to hope that my long-distance friends are actually friends of mine, and actually want to be there for me. I foolishly cling onto this belief that people I talk to on the internet are real friends of mine who consider me the same way. They especially have lives of their own and there's less and less room for me in them. Even the people who live around here don't have too much time.
I shouldn't have to throw tantrums like this anymore; I shouldn't be lashing out and pushing people away when I'm angry, so why am I still being like this? Why can't I just shrug when plans fall through, and say "Another time, perhaps," or just accept that the friends I've made online have busy, healthy lives that I too should focus on achieving? (And granted, I'm doing a lot better than I used to.) Why can't I just hold my head up high and convince myself that the asshole I work with is only acting this way because he himself secretly has a low self-esteem and only mistreats others because he hates himself and is clearly unhappy with his own life as well as his relationship? Why can't I just continue to focus on the positive and deal with what needs to be dealt with one day at a time?
Is it because I'm insecure myself? Definately, although I'm trying to address that. Is it because I have a chemical imbalance and need medication? That's also a possibility. Or is it just seriously that I've put up with enough shit in my life and it's really starting to weigh me down? I don't like to think of it like that because - let's be honest - other people have had it far worse than me.
At times like now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely and upset... and above all else, angry. And every time I get into a fight with somebody, or just lash out at them due to fault of my own, I feel even more upset because I wonder if they're just going to cross me out of their lives rather than put up with my bullshit?
It could have to do with my own self-image. I don't see myself as much of a great person, and when nights like tonight happen, I don't think of myself as good enough of a person to be put up with. I don't know what I'm talking about right now, but I don't know what to do, anymore.
Jun. 29th, 2006 @ 11:48 pm
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| » See that bulletproof dress hanging from the clothes rack |
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I worked out with Geary again yesterday, and left his house feeling a little bit healthier. He also got me playing Warhammer again - the computer game, not the ultra-nerdy war game where you spend every paycheck on little figures and spend every waking hour PAINTING them. I really want to play it right now, but I have to wait for it to finish downloading.
Speaking of downloading, my desktop PC just got downloaded today when I went to turn it on and found the hard drive doing absolutely nothing aside from making constant clicking noises like some African tribal Zulu warrior. I yanked out the data cable to see if it would cease making noises after that - which would mean the cable is faulty and not the hard drive - and, well... the good news is I don't have to buy a new data cable. The even better news is I coincidentally backed up my BitComet library onto my external drive just a few days ago.
Western Digital showed me on their website that my warranty expired well over a year ago, but they're nice enough to offer a customer loyalty program. Some time this week, I'll give them $77 and they'll give me a brand new hard drive twice as large as my 80gb African Zulu hard drive.
I'm gonna hit the gym right now, and then do a few laps in the lap pool afterwards. I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself these days. I mean, I still feel fat, but when I look in the mirror, something about me looks a little bit better than before. I still have my grotesque belly, but I'm sort of starting to look like a fit person with a big belly rather than just a chubby person. The thighs have to go, as well.
Jun. 26th, 2006 @ 01:21 pm
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| » This is the best thing ever. |
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One of these days, I'm going to post a compilation of all of the great Bill Cosby YTMND sites I've come across.
But in the mean time, here's this:
http://drecosby.ytmnd.com/
Oh, and to those who I haven't shown this to yet, there's this one: http://cosbyclassic.ytmnd.com/
Jun. 21st, 2006 @ 12:52 pm
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